JENAKA JOKES

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Monday, November 19, 2007

Never force husband or boyfriend along for shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning youand your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading tofeminine products aisle.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

>12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Kids Say

1 NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2 OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3 SAUCE
A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4 MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5 POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an Infants school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes, that's right," I told her."Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6 POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the Station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7 ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly citizens, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8 DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
"

9 DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our Minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The Minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10 SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time, Mum," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11 BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I
think it's Adam's underwear!"

Thursday, November 15, 2007

D.I.Y TANK

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Politicians 2

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's
field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked
the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn't
believe them."

Politicians

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop
to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you.
The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

Lucky Guy

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about? " asks the bartender.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made .. All night, all over the house. We did everything;! "

" Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head ."