JENAKA JOKES: jokes

Three ladies were having tea and talking about life.
"I think my husband is having an affair" says the first "I found a pair of panties in his jacket pocket".
"What did you do" the second lady asked?
"I went into his office over the weekend and I stapled them to his office door, right where his secretary, co-workers, and boss would all see them."
The second lady said "I think that my husband is having an affair also. I found a condom in his jacket pocket."
"What did you do" the first lady asked.
"I took a pin and pricked it full of holes and then I put it back" said the second lady.
The third lady fainted.

When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough

When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,

When I do something without being told,
I am trying to
be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake,
you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
he's only human.

When I am out of the office,
I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an
interview
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's
overworked

When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

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Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in
another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she
didn't get the fax."

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A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers
and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have I ever said anything bad about him?"

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A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to
answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
house and none of them dares to answer back.

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A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said
the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three
o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you,
Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control
of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then
the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger
apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little
tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied,
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van
for the last 25 years."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________ _________ ________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
____________ _________ _________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
____________ _________ ________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________ _________ ________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

1) A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

2) A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car tapes around
the world:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again, or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
crap."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone reliable who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Please sign here."

Amazing calculation

Here is some easy Calculation good for your practice. Its will suprise you.

Its just take about 30 seconds

Follow every steps below.

Dont skip to the final step before you complete the calculation

Get ready with your calculator.

Firstly, in one week how many days you want to eat dinner at KFC.

Multiply that days with 2

Then add with 5

Multiply again with 50

If your birthday for this year is already past add with 1757, if not add with 1756

The final step

substract this number with the year of your birthday (example 1975 or 1950)

The total number now is in three digits

The first number from this 3digits is

THE NUMBER OF DAYS YOU WANT TO EAT DINNER AT KFC

AND............ THE COOLEST IS

THE LAST TWO DIGITS IS ................

YOUR AGE !!!!!

AND REMEMBER !!

YOU CAN ONLY DO THIS CALCULATION IN 2007.

SO HURRY UP TRY THIS!!!!

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $1,000,000 Question
TV Quiz Show. The night before the big question, he told the host
that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the
studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the town. He was
the best guest this show had ever seen. The host stepped up to the
microphone.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You
know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
one million dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't
missed a question all week.

"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer
either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it. He
was not sure, but American History was his best subject, so he played
it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The host nodded approvingly. "Here we go, Bob. I will ask you the
second half first, then the first half."

The audience grew silent with anticipation.....

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the
other.
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Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular
than a five-day test.
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Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman
gains her master
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Divorce :
Future tense of marriage
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Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the
notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
***********

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
***********

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got
the biggest piece.
***********

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by
feminine waterpower.. .
***********

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
***********

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees
later on.
***********

Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never
felt before.
***********

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
***********

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
***********

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
***********

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
***********

Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
***********

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that
nothing can be done together.
***********

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
***********

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
***********

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
***********

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually
look forward to the trip.
***********

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
***********

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not
injured yet.
***********

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the
first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
***********

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
***********

Father:
A banker provided by nature.
***********

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.
***********

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
***********

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
***********

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

QUESTION #1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no remblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

1. Squash.
2. Football.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

QUESTION #2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

1. I suppose so.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?

QUESTION #3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

1. Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
2. Yes, but you have a better personality
3. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
4. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
5. Define pretty
6. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #5: What would you do if I died?

Unless you smile, say "Nice weather we are having, huh?" then leave the room, expect a definite no-win situation. No matter how you answer this (the real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette."), be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed...

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife said the reason has to
be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time. And the wife responded, allow
me to help you out. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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A housewife walked into her kitchen to see her husband with a fly
swatter in his hand. She asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" He
responded, "Oh, just swatting flies." She asked. "Killing any?" He
responded, "Yes, got 3 males and 2 females!" "Good", she said, and
turned to walk away.
But then a puzzling thought overcame her and she turned back
towards her husband and asked, "Honey, how could you tell the sex of the flies?"
He responded, "Well, 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone."

This is note a jokes. but i think it worth

A wise old gentleman, Ahmad, retired and purchased a modest home near a secondary school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally Ahmad decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," Ahmad said, "I haven't received my pension check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing.

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical
engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft
engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of the road, and the three engineers look
at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping
down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about
cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much
about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If
we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?"