do not drink please!!!

you will be fine if you death here

car for sale

adopted son

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

too complicated

fall down please

can or not?

NEW OLD TIRES

WARM WELCOME

make sure kids sleep first

stop! stop!

Convention of blondes

- At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"
The blonde answered, "120."
"No," he said, "that's not right."
The audience called out, "Give her another chance."
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is 2 plus 2?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"

Bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Dumber

It's a nasty day, and a guy gets pulled over for speeding.

The cop says, "Isn't it kind of dumb to be driving so fast in this storm?"

The driver says, "Who's dumb? You're the one who's standing out in the rain."

another blonde joke

A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, "Great! I want my $20 million now please."

The man replied, "No, sorry lady. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

a blonde and car

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

reason i dont want to become a police

football team

Publish Post

to late to read

bestfriend ride

ads

can't explain this

nice jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping one night. After pitching the tent and rolling out the sleeping bags, they decide to turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes violently shakes Watson awake. "Watson," he says, "look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see the stars." replies Watson.

"Yes, and what does that tell you?"

Watson takes a big breath "Astronomically speaking, it means that we are insignificant among the spectrum of the universe, phycologically speaking that we are only creating a dent in the infinant mystery of life, and theologically speaking that God rules all things. How about you, sir?"

"What it tells me," he says, "is that someone has stolen our tent."

TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo - I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

Dear Papa - I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie.

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa - Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.

WIFE, SHEEP AND PIG

One night a man barges into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I screw when you claim you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him, half shocked and half confused, and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

"I wasn't talking to you."

SUMMONS

RAINCOAT for elephant

COCA COLA - PEPSI JOINT VENTURE??

toilet

unique cheque

curtains for windows

helmet

open 25 hrs

lift

sexy

DAM (DRAUGHTS)

cute

april foolllllllllll

dangerous job

dont smoke

extreme pimp my ride

nice place to park

must save

MISSILE LAUNCHER

BAD MATH

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."

His father replies, "What happened?"

The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"

The father replies, "Well, that's correct."

The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'"

The father then replies, "What the f**k is the difference?"

The boys says, "That's what I said!"

new harley davidson

bush and blair

bush

difference between man and women

TWO WOMEN TALKING:


============ ========= ========= ====



Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!



Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?



Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.



Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.



Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.



Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.






NOW TWO MEN TALKING


============ ========= ========= ========



Man 1: Haircut?


Man 2: Yeah.

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Latest car design

safety enough?

Good for a laugh...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY:What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY:What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY:How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY:How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY:What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY:And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEYo you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:Were there any girls?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY:And by whose death was it terminated?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEYan you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:Was this a male or a female?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEYs your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEYoctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEYo you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.